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Then slower yet – even colder. Then his hand stopped on my knee, now completely cold, almost frozen. I sat up, grabbed his hand in my palms – to warm him up, to keep him here. His hand became lighter, as if evaporating. I squeezed tighter but it became even more intangible. I squeezed more and now my palms closed against each other, with nothing in between them. My eyes darted without purpose in complete darkness. There was no more presence, I was alone, I felt it with my every pore. I was safe, calm, restored. A sense one gets after meditation or a joyous feeling a glass of wine brings on – worries brushed away, sadness gone – complete clarity and peace.I touched my stomach – it was wet, my crotch was still pulsating with a recent surge of energy - it was not a dream.I curled on the carpet. The room smelled of rain, the wind had now calmed down. There were too many thoughts in my head to think them all. I listened to my breaths, one, two, three, four, five… thirty-seven,. It felt like the bottom had dropped out of my stomach. I closed my eyes, reminding myself to keep breathing while my insides tossed around like a lifeboat in a storm.Tracy poured us all more wine. "Wish this stuff was a little stronger," she sighed.Ria wiped fresh tears from her eyes. "It's my fault. I was the one who pushed for us all to have sex. I was the one who crossed the line. And now that we've all actually gone and done it, I don't know what happens next."She looked up at me, anxiously biting her lip. So beautiful. I somehow found my voice and answered, "Listen, what happened tonight wasn't any one person's fault. We're all guilty, right?"The others nodded.I continued, "We're all guilty, because we all wanted it to happen. No, scratch that—we all NEEDED it to happen. And that need has always been there, below the surface, every time the four of us have been together. We've spent three years clinging to a lie, because it's been the safest path."The log in the fireplace cracked.
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